Why Being There is Problem Solving
(An essay for Red Section)
Some people think they can’t do much if they’re not actively solving a problem. But there are a lot of things that being there can do.
Being there is solving a problem of nobody being there, for example.
I think it is very helpful to “not fall the fuck apart” at crucial moments, and I wouldn’t downplay something like “being there” over “solving a problem” where “being there” so that someone “doesn’t fall the fuck apart and does something stupid” is “solving the problem around the person not falling the fuck apart and doing something stupid.”
That’s just one example. There is also co-neuroregulation, or letting enough time pass together for something important to come up, or just talking for long enough that all the stuff gets said until it runs out.
Hanging out and chatting until there’s not much else to say and you move onto doing something together or finding what you actually want to talk about or co-build on is very important.
It also solves the problem of “figuring out what problem you should even be talking about.”
One of the reasons I really like new experiences is it de-facto creates new containers for experimentation that are handled by some other set of principles other than your own, your partner’s, or their hybrid fusion.
For example if you go take a blacksmithing class together, somebody else is in charge of the experience. You are “paying for an experience” to “try and learn something new” and actually you have no idea what the new thing is that you will learn about yourself (other than if you are strong enough to be bending some metal), but you will experience yourself in some new way, rather than experience a new thing.
Some people really love experiencing themselves in a new way. Maybe they are adranaline junkies in some sense. They like to feel themselves athwart something, and like changing to meet the challenge. These people can often “look” very strinkingly composed and stable and sturdy, but actually they are experienced in hanging out in changing tides.
Some people may seem like they like a lot of chaos, but actually they have chosen a kind of chaos they can have control over, and that’s all they do. Otherwise, they hang out in coziness.
YOU may seem like you are pushing yourself to yourself, in your experiences, but probably you are not really pushing yourself in the sphere of experiences if you feel you are “pushing.” If you are “pushing” then likely you are continuing to maintain control in the way you are used to, rather than letting go of control in a new way.
“Going to that improv workshop” works if you let yourself follow the teacher’s guidance and intent, rather than trying to control your own experience, and control the teacher’s impact on you.
“Trying that new restaurant” works if you try something you’d never tried before, not if you order the safe salad you always like — unless you are pushing yourself in cataloguing what the salad you like tastes like in all the different restaurants, which would be pushing yourself.
As you can see it can be very personalized, and so following the guidance of “are you trying to control this” is a good guide for finding a growth edge.