Things I Learned From Going on Dates
for your situational awareness and pleasure…
Sometimes if you double book a date with a man engineer and a woman engineer, the woman will offer the man a job.
A man may allow all of his houseplants to dry up because he was staying up late in the cancer lab keeping the tissues alive for weeks. do not judge a man’s ability to keep things alive by his houseplants alone.
An aquarium membership for an entire year usually costs less than $200 and allows you to take several free guests. this is the business model for most aquariums. then you can tell people that you have this aquarium membership you need to be using and they should come help you out. if the date is bad, you have both made friends with some fish.
Do not meet a man who meets your standards, when your standards are “I’ll swing by your place if and only if you are within 3 blocks of the Port Authority.” Do not meet this man even if you feel that you owe him because you set a very specific standard and he met it.
Do not go into the bedroom of a man who says “I have Opportunity in the bedroom.” Do not go even if “Opportunity” is a painting, and you like his other paintings, “Passion” and “Desire” which are on display in the living room. Do not have curiosity about the painting in the bedroom he says is an even better painting and the best painting yet.
Sometimes people who insist they are extremely polyamorous and want to have the most intense and surreal experience with you actually are not actually prepared for the 1920’s Surrealist parlor game “Exquisite Corpse.”
If a person brings flowers on a first date, the other person will remember.
Both women and men are flaky and cancel on dates.
Sometimes a man will let you hang out in his apartment entirely alone while you film a youtube video.
Sometimes a man will talk to you for hours and buy you omakase and then not take you back to his place because he is training for a marathon the next morning.
Sometimes somebody will be married and have children and not mention it for a long time.
You can do your shopping at the farmer’s market and count it as a date, as long as you point out to your new friend all of the secret stall locations.
Not everybody is prepared for the hot tub party.
There are two kinds of guys who buy absinthe. Guys who really want to get you smashed, and guys who really know what they’re talking about when they’re talking about absinthe. know who you’re dealing with.
If you’re drunk enough and like the company, a two hour walk to the car can be an excellent date.
A man who takes two hours to walk to the car has not “lost his car” he merely forgot the fastest route to get there.
The man in the Tesla will always show off the acceleration and startle you.