The Book, From the Beginning, Again <3
For March, I have a new idea. Previously in my daily writing, I would write when and how I please, but it would have to be every day. Now that I have done this for 4 months (Nov, Dec, Jan, Feb), I have a new idea for March.
I have this Irish Whiskey tea. I will smell it every day. I will induce a “state.” I will induce this state every day in March.
Before, I allowed a diversity of moods into my writing. I will still allow a diversity of moods into my writing, now. But I will do this as a new ritual, a new writing ritual, a new style of consistency to be my teacher!
The book is now not the poly book, but a different book that I ended up writing a lot more content for. That book will be called something like — The Colors of Intimacy.
Meta-analysis — this is cool, I am writing in a different way!
THE COLORS OF INTIMACY
INTRODUCTION
I wrote this book because I wanted a workbook to exist for people who care about “doing the work” in their relationships. It is for the people who have an idea that through effort, they can achieve wisdom, contentment, deep intimacy, greater peace, and even colorful worldly pleasures as they mature through life. A musician who plays the banjo at age twenty is not likely to be playing the banjo in the exact same way when he is fifty. Perhaps he has become faster or has learned more songs. Perhaps he is using a completely different right-hand technique. Perhaps he has traveled with bands and made a pilgrimage to train with a master in the mountains of Virginia. Or perhaps he prioritized doing something else, and plays the same songs that he learned from his cousin when he was in his early twenties.
I believe that a person can learn to become better at relationships in the same way that a person can become better at playing the banjo over their lifetime. There may not be one “right path.” One person may become a master at the blues. One person may play traditional Irish music. One person may quit after a year and switch to a completely different stringed instrument, such as the electric guitar, the mandolin, or the sitar.
Each person would be moved to follow their own path, learning their style of music on their chosen vibration amplifier for their chosen spiritual and concrete purposes. It would be hard to compare their paths in a straightforward way. It can be hard to tell if the jazz musician is more skilled, in a total and complete way, than the Irish folk player. It can be hard to tell if a person has “improved” after a year of practice. But it would be possible to break down their journeys into concrete skills. Can this player read music and reproduce it exactly? Can he play well with a band? Can he write his own songs? Is he staying motivated to play? Can he play with a lot of heart?
The mysterious elements are not completely gone, but now we have concrete challenges that we can pursue as our curiosity and circumstances guide us.
This is true of relationships. It can be hard to think about what it may mean to become “better” at relationships as you age. One difficulty surrounding this question is that relationships are fundamentally transformative. They change as you live through them, even if you have one partner for your entire life. Relationships are also fundamentally unique. What you learn in one relationship with one person to make them happy may not necessarily be what is needed to make a different person happy.
I wanted to write a guide for working on your relationship in a way that feels like learning a musical instrument. You can pick up a guitar when you are feeling happy, when you are feeling down, when you are stressed, or when you are angry. No matter the mood, the guitar affects you and helps you turn your emotions into something more complex, more interesting, and more from the heart. As you practice using the Color system described throughout this book, you will become more sophisticated, more nuanced, more loving, and more authentically yourself, even as circumstances change and time passes.
Being good at relationships includes being good at a number of different skills, that will be useful in all sorts of domains. It means becoming more attentive, becoming better at noticing, becoming better at staying with fears, noticing other people’s fantasies, letting the hard times roll off, noticing your own hypocrisy, noticing other people’s different ways of “trying to be good,” acknowledging how your past trauma affects your perceptions. It means being gentle with deficit, scarcity, and imperfection, and not letting real-life setbacks get in the way of a vision of abundance.
If you are interested in this book, you are likely feeling pain. When a relationship is going well, there is little inspiration to work on the relationship. By the time one or both partners wants to “work on the relationship” — something has happened. An incompatibility has been found, or perhaps the people have hurt each other very badly. Resentment has already been built. Perhaps one or both parties are considering a breakup. Many people who are picking up this book already have something in mind that feels tense, heavy, or unbearable. Perhaps a breakup has already happened, and you are wondering what to do next.
Becoming more clear in what you think and more authentic in your expression allows you to have deeper intimacy over your lifetime. With some specific relationships, more clear-seeing includes seeing that you and your partner do not wish to be together, have different life goals or learning goals that you do not wish to support each other with, have conflicting value systems, or that something else is badly wrong. Legibility means that something that was previously unclear and bad becomes clear and bad. Something hidden becoming “obviously unsustainable” leads to its own upwell of intense emotions.
There are exercises in this book for those situations, too, and I would encourage you to use these sections liberally when you feel yourself dealing with strong emotions.
In disentanglements, continuing to be able to feel, and maintain the parts of yourself that you like most is especially important. The principles outlined in this book about staying in touch with what feels honest and real to you continue to be relevant in relationships that are breaking down. Many relationships end in boredom, abandonment, betrayal, or, even when everything goes well – sickness and death.
As disentanglement can also include feelings and changing feelings, the general principles and exercises should still be relevant. Although this book is about how to add more color into your life, feeling large amounts of pain is not a disqualifier — be it feelings of shame around “deserving” a good life and good partnerships, or other feelings of grief or anger.
I consider this book a tool for your toolbox. You may not know when you will want to look at it, but it gives you options for choosing what to work on when your main problem feels too heavy to lift.
It starts with a premise that “knowledge is not bad, in itself.” This book is designed for people to have new conversations with themselves, their partner, and their reality. There is no universal framework or philosophy to be downloaded, except perhaps this: there is always a new angle you can use to look at the same problem. Sometimes it will be very helpful. Sometimes it will not be helpful. But the practice of looking at the same problem again, from a different angle, is itself a skill that can be practiced, and can lead to something better than before.
THE COLOR SYSTEM
The system of the colors! What a wonderful thing, to get to tell you about!
Most relationships, when they are not good, are not good because there is too much lack, rather than too much presence.
Try to remember the most common complaints.
“You do not listen to me!”
“I want more affection!”
“You did not celebrate my birthday!”
“You never want to call me first!”
“You stopped wanting sex with me!”
"You went out with your friends instead of hanging out with me!”