Species of Polyamory
This post is part of a two-parter, with species of monogamy coming next. I often argue that there are many differences within both polyamory and monogamy that are worth examining, and that exploring them can help a person understand both better. It is indeed true that there are many dealbreakers a polyamorous person might have that a monogamous person could not meet, and many dealbreakers a monogamous person might have that a polyamorous person could not meet. The categories are therefore pretty helpful if you are somebody who has these kinds of dealbreakers and are vetting for them! It is also useful to know if somebody is monogamous or polyamorous to know how far flirting can go — though there is definitely a range here. Some asexual people are polyamorous, and so the flirting will not lead to sex! Some polyamorous people might be allowed to have sex, but might still not want to! Some monogamous people are game to cheat and their partner knows it! Some polyamorous people are queer and so only would have sex with someone of a specific gender! There are so many varieties! However, someone who is open to flirtation may want to signal that they are polyamorous somehow after they lovingly talk about their partner, if they want other people to know that the flirtation is allowed. Labels can be helpful to have cultures form!
This makes sense — that’s why these categories exist in the first place. However, someone who is “mostly monogamous” might have more in common with somebody who is “mostly polyamorous” than somebody who is totally monogamous, and has certain kinds of dealbreakers. Observations like this are what motivated this series, which will likely be a chapter in my upcoming book about polyamory. There is a math explanation for how things that are in different categories may have more in common with things in a different category than things in their own category, that is worth adding here soon.
What some people need to understand is how many people are not motivated by excess vulgarity, but as aa sanity check on the ways that most people are already creating variations within monogamy, without giving it other names. People are already violating the covenant sort of marriage — and many people “already” plan to not be monogamous, or plan to be serial monogamists, and with it share with other people the pain of being abandoned, broken up with, or betrayed.
How do people end up polyamorous? There is a valid question, I think! There is a very large amount of variety!
If you got 10 polyamorous people in a room and had them talk about love, you’d get 10 different answers, just as you’d get 10 different answers if you ask 10 different monogamous people.
The following list is an attempt at being comprehensive, though I know it is not actually comprehensive. Feel free to add more in the comments! This is meant to be a living document that I continue to add to over the years.
One of the people realizes they are bisexual, or doesn’t want to not have both sexualities be a major part of their life.
One person falls in love with somebody who is married or is in a relationship, and they don’t want to never see each other again, so they try to make it work.
Somebody gets cheated on and decides that philosophically they would rather have a structure for impulses like that, rather than just assume it would never happen or fear it happening.
Maybe write it as a follow-up to the Amanda luxury belief article?
Somebody decides that they have a jealousy problem or an anger problem, and would rather their partner have freedoms rather than just not, and because they are just jealous all the time.
There is an age difference or an experience difference, and one of the partners wants to get more experience interacting with other people in this manner.
Someone is very attractive, or just has a great energy, and people keep interacting with them in a sexy way or wanting something for them, and so being restrained with their energy is very hard.
Someone is in a job like sales or fundraising, where not being able to be playful, flirt, or flirt at all would make the job a lot more challenging and difficult in certain ways in terms of how they would need to not be very friendly.
One of the people lives near some exes, and would prefer something more polyamorous style as a way not to worry about that rather than worry about that.
One of the partners is sick, ill, or significantly older such that there are different energy levels, such that one needs more activity.
A couple decides they are unhappy and need to “spice things up” and are not really having sex, and so they want to explore to see what happens.
One partner just has, organically, a much higher sex drive than the other.
One partner has just very different interests or kinks than the other and wants to explore them with literally anybody versus nobody.
Someone got a divorce, and doesn’t want to commit to monogamy again for it to be broken or not be a lifelong covenant.