Rituals and Alone Time in Relationships
“I think I really need to go to the gym every Sunday, for just 2 hours, and listen to music and just have a go at it.”
“Ok well why don’t you do that?”
“My girl likes to spend time with me on Sundays, and I’ll miss her, you know.”
“Yeah I do, but you are saying you really need it.”
“Yeah I really need it.”
“Can you go a different day? Like Tuesdays after work?”
“Yeah maybe. That’s when she usually watches TV anyway to wind down. But I’m scared of asking her about it. I don’t want her to feel rejected, or like I don’t want to spend time with her.”
I see things like this fairly often. If you are living with someone you probably really like that person, and like spending time with them, even if you are already spending all your time with them. Asking for alone time when you already have the blessing of living with somebody you really love sounds a lot like not counting your blessings.
But sometimes you really need it. Maybe you need to journal alone, or plan your week. Maybe you have to stare into space at a coffee shop. Maybe you need to take a long shower to get your thoughts in order.
I do not think that these activities need to feel shameful. Most people’s partners are sympathetic to these kinds of needs, and have them for themselves. I consider it a basic universal need to spend some time every week collecting your own thoughts.
Some people are scared of asking for alone time when they are living with someone, because they do not want their partner to feel rejected. They like hanging out.
The purpose of a ritual
Rituals are very nice in that they are private spaces to do some kind of personal alchemy, but they are also legible to the people around you.
You can reframe your need for “alone time” as a need for a particular ritual. This can help spare your partner’s feelings and your own feelings that you are doing something you “aren’t supposed to be doing.”
David Lynch did a 20-minute transcendental meditation twice a day. Once in the morning, and once in the middle of the day, for over 50 years. This means that anybody who he has ever worked with must have known about this meditation habit.
“Oh yeah, David Lynch is just doing his daily meditation” is very legible to the hundreds of people who David Lynch was working with in this time period. They know how long it will last, when he will come back, that it is happening every day, and that other people also know about it.
Imagine how much stranger it would be if he said to people, “Oh yeah uhh, I’m just gonna go do…some stuff for a bit” every few days. That would be much less legible and people would start to wonder what was up. This likely would in fact create the kinds of effects such as people nagging him to get back, or people wondering skeptically about what he is doing, that might make him feel that he does not have permission from people he cares about to do his particular self-care. He might feel like he shouldn’t do it, or feel ashamed of doing it based on people’s reactions.
Rituals are very nice because they are legible to the people around you. They might be happy, thinking that you are doing something cool, and not interrupt you in it, but ask you about it afterwards as a way of bonding with something important to you. They would know what you are doing while you are not around, “Oh he’s playing basketball,” “Oh she’s getting her nails done.” It can be very pleasant to think about a person you love doing things that they like doing. They might themselves feel inspired, and can start thinking about their own rituals that they might like that they have not put the thought into establishing.
It can be tricky to set up rituals because first they have to be legible to you. David Lynch knew that he was doing a twice-a-day 20-minute transcendental meditation before everybody else knew he was doing it.
What do you want to make time for, this coming week, if all real and imaginary social obligations around your actions suddenly vanished?