Revision: Human Variety

There are people who get married, and then for 40 years do not think about having sex with another person even one time.

There are people who get married, and then for 40 years do not think about having sex with another person even one time, even though they find other people attractive sometimes.

There are people who get married, and then think about cheating once or twice, and then do not do it because it is not important to them compared to their marriage.

There are people who get married, think about cheating every year or so, but then do not want to blow up their marriage, and so do not do it.

There are people who get married, think about cheating every so often, but then do not do it because they do not want their partner to cheat on them, and so not cheating to not be cheated on seems like a fair balance not to disturb.

There are people who get married and then cheat once or twice, and keep it a secret forever from everybody they know.

There are people who get married and then cheat once or twice, but tell their spouse about it, they get very sad, and then they make up.

There are people who get married and then have a prolonged affair and keep it a secret forever.

There are people who get married and they cheat with somebody of their same gender and keep it a secret, because they are closeted.

There are people who get married, have many affairs, and keep it a secret.

There are people who get married, have many affairs, and it is an open secret.

There are people who get married and want to still have sex with people who are not their spouse, but would not want it to be something that is considered something as elevated as an “affair” because it is not particularly meaningful to them in the way that an affair would be.

There are people who know off the bat that they would have to discuss with any boyfriend or girlfriend they are serious about that though they want to be married, they have the sort of disposition for which an “open marriage” is what would work for them because they are just like this and know they are going to just be like this, even though not being like this might be easier.

There are people who think they might not be suitable for marriage, even though they like the idea, because they are attracted to many people and want to have sex with people who aren’t even particularly attractive to them, but would not want to hurt anybody’s feelings about it.

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People have different natures. There are very many people in the world, and they have different natures.

A lot of people talk about how “monogamy is natural” or “nonmonogamy is natural.” Each can be true for different people. The variation between people is incredible.

I did not even include “asexual polyamorous” people in my descriptions above. There are genuinely all sorts of people who genuinely have all sorts of dispositions.

There are people who would be horrified having a job in which they work at a salon giving their clients a bikini wax every day, and people who are genuinely completely fine with it.

There are people who are genuinely happy working at a hospital every day and people who really would hate it.

There are people who genuinely would not mind sharing their husband with a few sister-wives, and people who would not ever want to be in that situation.

There are people who genuinely want to be submissive to their husbands and people who really could not imagine a more horrible way to live.

You would meet someone, who tells you they actually are a certain way, and I find it is better to believe them than to not believe them.

I do not think it is more “enlightened” to be polyamorous. I think some people just are polyamorous, and some people just practice polyamory. I think there are polyamorous people who are good people, and who are bad people, just as there are monogamous people who are good people, and who are bad people. There are millions and millions of people of each type. Some of them are going to be annoying, and some of them are going to be loud about it.

For every loud person saying polyamory is the path, there is at least one person saying that polyamorous people are the devil.

The people who are completely okay with things you aren’t — some may be in your social circle. But some you may never even be encountering. That does not mean they do not exist. It means they are not immediately around you.

Thinking about the people who are very different from you can start to understand the variety of emotions people can feel completely authentically. Then, when they tell you what they are feeling, you can believe them.

This also helps you feel your own feelings more authentically. You are completely unique in your landscape of authentic feelings. Nobody in the world feels exactly the same way that you do. Not even the people you love the most and connect with the most.

1. The experiment of taking people literally

There are people who will tell you the most important things almost casually.
“I’m not built for long‑term relationships.”
“I am extremely close with my cousin.”
“I fall in love very quickly.”
“I don’t want kids”
“I am afraid of deer”
“I don’t think I’m the jealous type.”

You nod, because that is what one does when someone is telling you a fact about themselves in a casual conversation.

An exercise is to remember this fact and keep thinking about it until you find a question that you are curious about to ask the person when you see them again.

If you haven’t been talking to anybody recently, try to remember something somebody said, or look up an interview. Notice when you feel surprised. If you cannot ask the person a question, think about a question you have and see if they answer it later in an interview, or how they live their lives, or what inconvenience or trouble they were willing to get into in order to live out their preferences — their truth.

2. Catching Hesitancy

You can listen to yourself the way you listen to other people, and catch the moment you kind of space out instead of going one step forward and saying something to yourself very clearly.

Maybe you would say to yourself, “I am lonelier than anyone knows” but then some other part of you interrupts: “You’re being dramatic.”

An exercise is to pause at the exact moment the revision begins.

You can write it, if that helps.
First line: “I keep finding myself thinking: ___.”
Second line: “The part of me that believes this feels like: ___ (age, posture, place in my body).”
Third line: “The part of me that wants to correct this says: ___.”

The point is just to notice it, and let it go. If you later decide you want to do something with it, you can.