Relationship Contract to Be A Cat
APPLICATION FOR FELINE ACCEPTANCE
Submitted by: J & D
To: Margarita Lovelace
For Consideration as: Our Cat
---
Dear Margarita,
After extensive deliberation, review of your behavioral qualifications, and several informal observations of your natural feline tendencies, we hereby submit this Formal Application for You to Adopt Us By Becoming Our Cat.
This document outlines the expectations, privileges, and mutual responsibilities associated with your new role.
Please review each section carefully.
---
Section I — Eligibility Requirements
To qualify as Our Cat, the applicant (Margarita) must demonstrate the following:
1. Selective Affection:
Ability to give affection only when you choose, thus increasing its value and mystery.
2. Judgmental Staring:
Must be capable of silently watching us from across the room, evaluating our life choices with quiet superiority.
3. Nap Competency:
Must show a willingness to nap at any hour, in any beam of sunlight, on any surface, regardless of what we are doing.
4. Grace and Chaos Balance:
Must exhibit elegance, but is also capable of inexplicable mischief on short notice.
5. Occasional Soft Vocalizations:
Not required, but preferred.
If you meet these criteria (you do), please proceed.
---
Section II — Duties of the Cat (Margarita)
As our cat, you agree to:
Supervise all household activities from a position of elevated indifference.
Occupy inconvenient spaces (laps, keyboards, laundry baskets).
Knock at least one small object off a flat surface per week.
Pretend you do not hear us until food is involved.
Permit head scratches only at times of your choosing.
Failure to perform these duties will result in… absolutely nothing, because you’re the cat and we’re powerless.
---
Section III — Benefits & Compensation
The Cat reserves the right to conduct surprise household audits, including pawing through drawers, inspecting countertops, and sniffing suspicious items. All audits shall be conducted at unpredictable intervals and without prior notice.
Should the Cat disagree with any household decision, she may file a verbal complaint (“Mrow”), silent dissent (staring intensely), or escalate to the Committee.
Note: The Committee is entirely composed of the Cat. Human appeals must be submitted in triplicate and are routinely disregarded.
Formal petitions for meal advancement may be filed hourly, starting two hours before every posted mealtime. Repeated denials will result in increased volume of communications (“Meow escalation”).
In exchange for fulfilling your feline responsibilities, you will receive:
Guaranteed treats
Full access to warm blankets
Occasional dramatic pick-ups
The right to ignore us without consequence
Infinite admiration
All the soft scritches you are willing to tolerate
Additionally, you will maintain sovereign control of the household.
We merely live here.
---
Section IV — Agreement of the Humans (J & D)
We solemnly agree to:
Provide food on time
Not disturb your naps
Accept your judgment
Move when you decide our spot is yours
Respond emotionally to your presence like domesticated servants
We understand that becoming your humans is a privilege, not a right.
---
Section V — Acceptance
If you choose to accept this position, simply reply:
“Mrow.”
Or any equivalent acknowledgment, including but not limited to:
“Sure.”
“Lol ok.”
A gif of a cat loaf.
Silence (which still counts).
We eagerly await your decision.
With reverence and a slightly embarrassing level of enthusiasm,
J & D