My Ten Days As a Tinderella
Lessons on Love
Through a series of circumstances, I did an experiment in which I spent ten days being a Tinderella.
The experiment had a few components:
Meet up with someone every day
Try to meet someone I actually am curious about meeting
Don’t do anything that makes me uncomfortable
Try to maximize things that feel good or that are fun
These are different rules than the ones I have followed before in going out!
Here are the lessons that I have learned.
When you feel it, you feel it. (Interest versus chemistry)
Chemistry is a very complicated emotion. Sometimes it is an instantaneous reaction; sometimes it is a slow burn. But one thing that is underrated to pay attention to is the feeling of interest and curiosity.
Interest is both less intense, and less confusing. It therefore can be followed as a signal for learning more, even if you don’t know what the more that you want to learn is.
Everyone has their reasons; that’s their business
When you see this many people within this short a time, you notice there really is no limit to human diversity.
I found it extremely unpredictable who would ghost me after a first meeting that seemed to go great, versus who would start texting me every day for two weeks. No amount of experience or preparation made my predictive algorithms much better. Humans are just chaotic.
Some people would not text me back after I’d run into them in person somewhere, like a party or the store, and we had a nice exchange again in person.
And some people would call me a goddess after the first meeting, and ask me about my life.
“If someone is not interested in me, I don’t know them well enough to be interested in them” seems to be a decent rule of thumb for just letting it go.
It really is a numbers game and there really are many fish and many different kinds of fish in the sea.
Effort has more to do with who someone is as a person and what they want, than anything you do
There are some guys who pay for a first date no matter what is happening. There are some guys who invite you over to their place, which they spent energy setting up for guests, and are not very interested in going out. There are some guys who want to text for a while to understand you and what might be a nice interaction before meeting up. There are guys who are game to drive 40 minutes for a first meeting *that specific night* and guys who want to meet up with someone 5 minutes away.
People are vibing at their wavelength, and are either looking for someone who can meet them at their wavelength, or else someone who can vibe at the overlap of the two wavelengths.
This has much less to do with what you do for work or other qualities that you possess that you may value about yourself or think other people judge you on. It has way more to do with “what you happen to be up for that day.”
Of course over time, who you are and what your life matters more. But this matters less for a first meeting.
You find what you’re looking for — but you can find things that are unexpected and unexpectedly valuable if you stay open minded within your range of comfort.
Generosity pays back
Generally, people notice when you are generous or charitable to mistakes, and it gets paid back.
Generosity and boundaries are different
Being generous does not mean going past your boundaries. If you have tight boundaries in one area, “going past them” might not even be super appreciated by another person, versus giving from an area in which you are less tight. Don’t think that generosity should be measured by “how hard it is for you to give it.” This mindset would generally make you stingy in all areas. Instead, think of areas in which giving has its own implicit reward (the person’s reaction, or the person interacting in a way back that makes you feel good), or areas in which giving just feels relaxing, freeing, and fun.
Because you never know who will ghost you, giving too much thinking you’ll get something back later doesn’t work super well
The first Tinder date is interesting because Tinder is a maximum entropy chaos app. It’s everyone’s “starter app” before they learn about other apps or their own niche interests, and so it’s like the Wild West.
Therefore the form of the Tinder Date is an unknown container. It is a good container to practice both generosity and boundaries; you want to have the most fun and create and receive a good experience from a person — even if you never see them again.
This means you get to practice the difference between authentic generosity, and going past your boundaries to try to make somebody happy, hoping you’d get something back later — because there may never be a later, and it’s impossible to predict.
Wearing what makes you happy and comfortable in the moment is a good choice
Because you don’t know what will happen, wearing something that makes you happy…is the best way to end up happy with what you’re wearing.
If you ask, you just might get it
Sex and love can be separated
Sometimes the person you like most feels wrong to have sex with. Sometimes sex is fun with someone you don’t want to do other things with. There are infinitely many permutations here, and infinite diversity. Don’t be hard on yourself here, about what needs to mean what, and what is bad and what is good.
If you’re going on this many meetings with strangers, don’t use your real phone number.