Imagining Wounds and Filling Them

You don’t need to have a chip on your shoulder. You can have a chip in your heart. You can imagine a wound. You can go around, through the world, finding things to fill that wound.

You can have a wound in your leg, near your knee. It doesn’t have to be romantic, like in your heart, such that you are stuck with the metaphor of going through the world and having your heart filled. You can do it this other way too.

You can have a chip in your spleen. You can have a chip in where wonderment is supposed to be, constantly having to fill it. A book, a song, a crush, a city, a God.

I am thinking about Lacan. I do not pretend I understand Lacan. I only read passable French. I do not even know if this post is about Lacan. I like the idea of having broken organs to irrigate in new ways.

But next time you call an old friend, imagine a wound they are filling. Let them fill it. They are safe. Create a whole new fantasy with them.

You can want to want a thing like this

you can want to need a thing like this

you can need to want a thing like this

you can need to not want

you can need to not want to want

you can not need to want or not want

it all can be pretty scary

i am very tired of all this!

I am not tired because I want clarity. I am tired because I need to sleep. These are different kinds of tired!

I am tired of memories that are not mine, created by not me, embedded into me by things I do not understand

You can imagine having a completely different wound than what you currently have. Have completely different needs. Become enchanted by completely different worlds, by completely different people. You can decide that what you are missing is completely different. Bigger. Grander. You can decide that you want to find someone who is missing what you are also missing, newly invented, so that you can orbit each other, and notice the missing thing not being there together.

You can pick a person and imagine a whole entire life with them, as if you know them. You can make yourself remember that this must be a lie because you do not actually know their wound or who they are or anything about them or even yourself when you are with them.

You can stare blankly at a mirror, and consider your reflection to be an other with a lack, responding to you, bonding with you. You can forget for a moment that you are the same person.

You can ask yourself why does the ugly thing keep coming back to your mind over and over. It is not because you do not know about ugliness or find it confusing. It is because you are settling for something in your life and do not know why you are settling. Do potentially know why other people are settling, and they may have good reasons, but you do not know why you yourself are settling.

Go visit that place you never thought you would revisit from your past. Have it percolate your mind again. You are stronger now. Let your smaller weaker self be held in your strength. The younger you would not even be able to believe it.