Extravagant Keto

I was inspired by Jenn’s recent piece, I Drink Soylent So My Broccoli Can Whore Out 🥦.

It talks about getting nutrients from soylent, so that the vegetables (and everything else) can be maximized for enjoyment, rather than for other qualities such as speed or nutrition. The broccoli does not have to be treated like a key source of nutrients, but instead it can be roasted, tossed in olive oil or vinegar, and have all other kinds of exciting things be happening to it.

Keto is pretty restrictive. People generally don’t know what it is. If you go to a restaurant and ask for something keto, chances are they will be friendly and excitedly helpful, and have some gluten-free-related idea, but wouldn’t really be aware of keto and will bring you potatoes with cheese (potatoes = carb = not keto).

Because it is pretty hard* to eat keto when you are with people or eating out, it comes off as pretty restrictive as a general case. Hence the “steak and broccoli” situation that is often associated with keto.

*(less hard than it seems if you do not use the word keto — “give me a plate of pastrami with coleslaw.” It is harder if you ask for something keto rather than asking for what you want that they are likely to be able to do. And they will likely assume you are gluten-free and ask if they need to be extra considerate — I always say no to extra consideration but otherwise just roll with it. I have also seen gluten-free people pretend to be keto or paleo in certain contexts where they may be judged unfairly for being gluten-free.)

Though it is restrictive compared to no diet or other diets, when you think about it, literally everything in the world is keto that is not a carb, or does not have added carbs. Literally, everything. Definitionally, functionally.

All meat is keto, most vegetables are keto. Most fruits, being composed of fructose, a sugar, which is a carb, are not.

And so being extremely extravagant on keto should be very possible. All spices are allowed, for example, and cream (not half-and-half).

Let’s think of some things.

Mussels? Keto
Oysters? Keto
The cool sauces that go on mussels and oysters? Can be easily keto
Cardamom? Keto
Smoked salmon? Keto
Kimchi? Keto
Borscht? Can be made keto without potatoes
Caviar? Keto
Peppermint tea? Keto
Ceremonial matcha? Keto
Gourmet venison sausages? Keto

You can literally walk around going, “I am the king of keto I am the king of keto!” and pretend your are some kind of paleo deer-hunting lord. You can pretend you are the most luxurious deer-hunter in the history of the entire world.

I actually find LARPS like this extremely helpful when doing hard things.

Now, keto may not work for you or be good for you. A lot of people can’t get past the keto flu. A lot of people also are bad at a kind of carbs tracking that makes keto worthwhile (if you eat too many carbs, you are out of ketosis, no ifs-maybes-or-buts about it). You can’t eat infinite fruits, which is a bummer for a lot of people who like fruits.

*(If you like fruit, the extravagance is extra important. You are allowed a handful of blueberries, blackberries, strawberries, and raspberries every day. Pulling a Benjamin Frankie and going a’whoring with them is therefore just basic utility maxxing.)

However this post is not about if you should or should not be keto, and is not examining the costs or benefits of it. It is merely saying that you can be pretty extravagant.

A lot of people when they think about diets or weight lifting or exercise or losing weight, they think about what feels punishing. That which is punishing is virtuous, and that which is virtuous works, right?

This is dumb. I hate this.

You aren’t going to get “the sort of body that attracts the opposite sex” by fasting all day, running around a track 30 times until you basically faint, and then only drinking saltwater and eating sardines.

Like, what the fuck?

One, this won’t make you jacked. Two, if your primary goal is to lose a lot of weight very quickly, that extreme diet is enough by itself. You don’t also have to run around the track. That’s just extra punishment. That’s just torture.

And also yeah, that would work at losing a lot of weight because it would be keto. But you know what? You can also do keto decadently. Hence this post.

For example that whored out salt and vinegar and olive oil roasted broccoli? Keto.

With all of the zero-carb substitutes for so many things, if you wanted to be soft-girl living and make something like a latte to drink every single day, you can do this. You can have your chai spices, you can have cream instead of milk or half-and half, or now they even have ultra-filtered milk, which removes the lactose, and so has almost no carbs and can work with both people who are keto and people who are lactose intolerant.

You can have a salmon benedict for breakfast, with your new latte, with a salad, with olive oil, and an already-before-adulturation-keto dressing or a special keto dressing if you wanna go all strawberry poppyseed-excitement or whatever.

And you know what? That meal will be 600 calories and keep you full for 7 hours and you will still feel like a fat fuck, because you enjoyed it.

And that’s the problem. In my next essay I will —