Day 3 - The book, from the beginning...First bit of actual content, On Feelings. SENSATION AND STORY.
Alice comes home from work buzzing. Her pineapple sorbet won first place at the county fair. Then, the beehive transport for her niece's show-and-tell went unexpectedly well. The bees mostly stayed in the box. She feels shiny and glittery. Her partner Bart is on the couch, stressed, barely looking up from his laptop. Alice sees that he has eaten half of her Jersey Mike’s Philly cheesesteak which she was looking forward to eating. She holds back mentioning it, and instead tries to share the good news. Bart snaps an indifferent hello at her before returning back to his laptop.
In reading that story, how would you feel if you were Alice? Really imagine that you are her in the story. When similar occasions happen to you, what happens in your body in that moment?
Does it feel like all the glitter you had inside you suddenly vanishes?
Do you feel your muscles stiffen?
Do you feel like your heart sank to the floor?
SENSATION AND STORY
For this exercise, avoid descriptions or metaphors that relate to the dynamic between the two of you, or what your partner is doing. For now, avoid phrases like “It feels like he is dejecting me” or “It always feels like I have to walk on eggshells around her” or “She doesn’t appreciate me.”
Stay only with the descriptions of what is happening in your body.
Does your stomach clench?
Do you feel a rush of heat to your face or ears?
Does your vision narrow or blur a little?
Do you feel suddenly heavy?
Do you feel a lump in your throat?
Do you feel your mind go blank?
Try to stay clean about only thinking about the physical descriptions. Most people, most of the time, combine sensation and story as a communication habit. For this exercise we first will stay in the realm of pure sensation, and then allow ourselves to go completely berserk in the realm of story.
Stay with your body for some time. Try to get as detailed as possible.
Next, think about what Bart looks like on the couch. Do not guess his emotions, or internal states. Only describe what he looks like. Does he have his knees up on the couch? Is he frowning? Does he have dark circles under his eyes?
Now, in this next part we get to use descriptions and metaphors about the dynamic between the two characters completely liberally. This next exercise is telling a story. What story do you tell yourself about what this means?”
You could tell many different stories about this same scene:
“I shouldn’t be so needy. I know they’re stressed; I should just leave them alone.”
“If I were really lovable, they would light up when I walk in the door.”
“They’re always like this. My joy never really matters here.”
“We are not on the same team; I am an interruption, not a cherished partner.”
There are many stories you can tell. In fact, this next exercise will be coming up with ten stories about that same scene. Take out a pen and a paper. How many stories can you come up with for what is going on?
Your nervous system suggests to you stories about what is happening, but over many years or decades, the stories you tell become ingrained in your nervous system. “When I feel tense, it means I am in danger. When I am in danger, my only option is to shut down/become adorable/become harmless/fight as hard as I can.” These can become stories such as “If somebody yells at me, this means I am not safe. If I am not safe, then all I can do is do whatever the person tells me to do.” “If somebody takes my food, it means they do not respect me as a person, and then I have no choice but to end the relationship.”
Separating the sensation from the story allows you to start telling yourself other stories.
On the next page, there will be some examples — but don’t go there yet!
There are many feelings involved in relationships! And many vices! The classic pride, avaric, wrath, envy, lust, gluttony, and sloth, are just some.
Now, with these vices in mind, come up with even more examples of things that could be going on. Try to come up with one example for each major vice. Give each vice to Bart, and then give the vices to yourself as Alice!
The point is not to find "the correct" story. The point is to notice that your brain is capable of generating many, many different stories from the same handful of physical sensations and external facts.
Now, start coming up with as many bizarre stories as you possibly can. Try to make yourself laugh.
Maybe Alice accidentally walked into a sacred ritual called The Hour of Doom-Scrolling. Maybe Bart contracted a rare disease today and his jaw is physically locked and he can only mutter annoyedly.
Here are some examples
Pride: “Bart is too proud to admit he’s having a very bad day” / “Alice is too proud to admit she needs was really looking forward to connection.”
Avarice: “Bart feels if he gives any of himself right now, he will lose himself.” / “Alice is greedy for attention and wants to consume Bart’s entire evening because she had a good day.”
Wrath: “Bart is secretly furious about something in his own life and Alice walked into the blast radius.” / “Alice is furious about the sandwich.”
Envy: “Bart can’t stand that Alice had a good day.” / “Alice is jealous of Bart’s supposed right to have a bad day while she feels like she always has to perform cheerfulness.”
Lust: “Bart only perks up for interesting things, not for boring county fairs.” / “Alice only feels fully alive when things are dramatic; a normal day doesn’t hit the same without someone hearing about it.”
Gluttony: “Bart binged his own feelings until he was full of doom, and also binged Alice’s sandwich.” / “Alice gorged on victory all day and now wants dessert in the form of Bart’s undivided attention.”
Sloth: “Bart can’t be bothered to move, feel, or acknowledge anything right now.” / “Alice doesn’t want to do the work of asking clearly for what she needs; she wants Bart to just know that today was important.”
Hopefully, you’ve now generated at least fifteen stories about the same scene. Some of them are ridiculous. Some of them feel true. Some of them are ridiculous and feel true.
Meanwhile, Alice’s body didn’t change. Bart’s posture didn’t change. The sandwich didn’t change. Alice still has her award. The facts of the moment are fixed. But the meaning of the moment? The story that we tell about it? That is flexible.
Exercises
Set a timer for 3 random points in your day. When the timer goes off, pause and ask:
Where am I holding tension right now? (jaw, shoulders, stomach, hands)
What temperature is my body? (hot face, cold hands, neutral)
How’s my breathing? (shallow, deep, held)
Most people only notice their body when they are already panicking. Notice how much your body changes, before you have an internal alarm to check it, and only have the external alarm.
Next time you feel hurt, rejected, or or dismissed, play the separation of sensation and story game in real life.
Pause. Physically leave the room for 60 seconds if you need to.
Write or mentally note: “Body sensations I’m having: ___” (use only physical descriptions—no metaphors about the relationship)
Write or mentally note: “The story I’m telling: ___”
Write or mentally note: “Three other possible stories: ___”
3. Pick your last fight or tense moment you had with somebody. Write down:
Which vice was I embodying? (pride, avarice, wrath, envy, lust, gluttony, sloth)
Which vice was my partner embodying?
What would the scene have looked like if I’d swapped my vice for a different one?
Vices are universal. Eliminating shape around the specific vice you are exhibiting allows you to change stories more easily.
When you pass by a person, practice in your head describing only what you see, like you are a nature documentarian. Then, make up a fantastical story about them, as if they are in a fantasy novel.