Day 23 - new content - wells of discipline, reflections on the structuring
people have deep wells of discipline that they often tap into
some people have one that is very broad
some people have one that is very deep
some people have a deep one, and a broad one
some people have two different deep ones, one as a sort of spare when one is exhausted
often people think that other people do discipline the way that they do
if they keep to a schedule, and someone else does not, they don’t think about how they can trust this other person that doesn’t keep to a schedule at all. they don’t think about, oh this person keeps their job, takes care of their family, but doesn’t keep a regular schedule, or a 9-5 job. maybe they have a different well of discipline that they tap into that keeps them sane and keeps their stuff organized and professional
usually people judge people different from them, without trying to figure out if that person actually has some kind of super power at a site different from their own
they don’t think, oh maybe I can have some of that superpower, or maybe I can befriend this person if I decide I actually respect them. Maybe I don’t need to decide they are not organized or not trustworthy and can actually decide they are someone who I could be friends with.
This stuff becomes relevant in couples, partnership, coordination
deciding preemptively that you ‘cannot coordinate with a person unless they do x’ or ‘trying to talk to this person about y is too risky’ before even trying is pretty sad
it makes me sad on a mathematical basis
the chance they know how to coordinate in EXACT WAY X THAT YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT is pretty low
the chance that they have SOME WAY OF COORDINATING with many different people that is working decently well for them is pretty high
now, that isn’t to say they aren’t sabotaging their life or not getting things they want because of their gaps in coordination skill
what it does mean is they probably do have some deep well of discipline actually, and assuming they are “not disciplined” is going to be a mistake.
also respecting the other’s well often frees up more capacity in your own, because you’re no longer spending your discipline budget forcing yourself to keep going in one direction. it might give you ideas to try something different versus pushing in one direction
how does this tie into the content of the book?
there’s also a thing around certain kinds of self-control being just a person’s character. showing up late is “just who they are” and so if you want them to change a certain behavior you have to convince them to change who they are, through shame or incentives. But often people don’t do something because they don’t know how to, or they are doing something else. Often if you can recruit their existing skills and talents into something, they would be much better.
“Where am I unusually reliable compared to people I know?” “Where do I burn out fast?”
Distinguish “trustworthy in my preferred channel” (e.g., time, schedule, tidiness) from “globally trustworthy.”
Make a list of basically random people you know. what is their superpower when it comes to discipline?
reflections on the structuring exercises,
they are good. i’m happy that writing every day here means i’m tinkering with something about the book every single day. it means if there are prerequisites that I don’t know about, I end up doing them.
I am continuing to think about the structure from yesterday.
I had a thought today, that most relationships die because of a lack not because there is too much. Often there is not enough of a “presence.” I need to add this to a new sort of introduction or early chapter. And then the point of the book is to notice various lacks of “presences” and add more of the presences into your relationship.