Day 19 - What kinds of people do I want the book to help

I realized I actually don’t have a thorough section on this, just the introduction, though this section might be helpful to have for people and for myself

I have met people who would be engaged, and they are quite sure they want to get married, but they go to a relationship or a marriage counselor to tie up ends and really make sure they know what they are getting into, and solidify their bond really strongly. I like these people because I like this attribute of seeking help and guidance before you even need it.

I have met people who are engaged, but are not sure exactly what the nature of their bond or commitment will be as it grows, and so delay the wedding for quite some time as they figure this out after getting engaged. They treat the engagement ring less like a finish line and more like a starting signal the rest of the conversations they will figure out later, about money, sex, children, family, grief, ambition, and the way time will change them both. Some of them stay engaged for years, orbiting marriage without landing, and others dissolve the engagement when they realize the shape of the life they imagined together does not match the shape of the life they actually want.

I have met people who have relationships and then breakups, and then return to those relationships later, sometimes once, sometimes many times, as if the two of them are not sure what story either of them wants to act out in their actual lives. Some of these cycles feel like a slow, painful education: each breakup strips away another layer of illusion until what remains is either a more honest version of the relationship or the certainty that there is nothing left to save. Others feel like an echo chamber between two people that is basically indecipherable for anybody else, where the same patterns repeat with slightly different wording, and the only real change is that everyone gets more tired with every repeated cycle.

I have also met people who break up decisively and never look back. They plan. They ask themselves, “What did this relationship teach me about what I need, and what I will no longer tolerate?” And then they build their next chapter with those answers in mind. But then they have a “surgical breakup” again. And then again. And then it starts being confusing about what the lessons were if they are not adding up to a longterm relationship.

What all of these scenarios has in common is that they are forms of preparation. The couple who goes to counseling before the wedding is preparing for the long haul. The couple who delays the wedding is preparing to understand what “forever” actually means for them in the process of after giving the ring. The couple who breaks up and returns is preparing to see each other more clearly the next time around. The couple who breaks up and walks away is preparing to live a different kind of life altogether.