Day 17 - special pausing times
Somebody told me once and I agree with him about times for pausing.
The ability to slow down can be very beneficial for relationships
Im this 17 part series i will explain the different ways a person can slow down
A person is getting divorced. You might have something about not getting involved with divorced people while they are filing the paperwork because you dont want to be in the middle of a certain kind of emotional chaos. Or maybe that is exactly what you want
Time after a fight. Slowing down and making it about one thing at a time. Not putting another thing on the table, then another, then another. Not making it about the overwhelm of everything you are experiencing, but keeping it about the points
When you yourself are feeling angry or overwhelmed, setting a 5 minute timer. Do you feel the same way in 5 minutes or are you feeling different things
If you are mediating between the people. Not just passing along what someone said to you. Like you are playing hot potato. Really not wanting to be caught holding the bag, so just relaying the information as fast as possible. This introduces inaccuracies and weakens your position as a mediator able to do some gradient softening between the two people versus just passing information in the the way they communicated it with you, versus with each other
If you have just talked to somebody, pausing to metabolize what was just said, versus talking to someone else
If you have just had something bad happen, pausing before reacting.
Taking time between serious relationships or bereavement. Setting a time you think is important, and not breaking your time period even if you may feel tempted
Other times to pause
Somebody just got a major celebration. Actually taking time to celebrate it with them. You dont know how many other people they are able to celebrate this with. And then if you dont celebrate it with them, you dont know how they will remember the accomplishment, if nobody in their social universe actually cared about it. That can be pretty sad
If multiple people are having a fight with you at the same time, it is extra important to slow down, watch a movie from earlier in your life that you liked, and do other things to remind yourself of who you are. Each person individually does not know that other people are also having a fight with you. They think they are having a fight with YOU and not a broken falling apart version of you because everybody you like is going at you all at once. Chances are you arent totally unlovable, and each individual person does not think so. They probably think you are generally awesome except for the one thing they are fighting with you about in this moment. Even if they do indeed not like you and there are bigger issues, in this exact moment the urgent new thing is the thing they are fighting with you about. Pausing and responding from a place in which you feel connected to yourself, rather than a place where you feel like you are very weak and fragmented, would lead to better outcomes.