Day 14 - Bizzarro Book! Hot is better than Neutral

I think I am okay actually with this being a Bizarro book of sketches and activities and chapters. I have once again gotten ahead of myself around composition and organization and all of those things. but i think it will end up being a sketchbook of sorts, and then organized, and then refined, and then i wouldn’t remember where it all came from. but it came from here!

i don’t know what i really want to talk about today.

maybe growth. what it means to grow.

conflict. how growth can come from conflict and somehow also there are just people who like conflict and it’s not about the growth for them

what it means to grow with other people. to pay attention to what inside them actually cares about people at all. what about them cares about plants or animals or science or whatever it is they are deciding to put attention to

“building your own sex retreats.” learning not to be frustrated if you aren’t getting laid, learning that this can itself be an exciting experience in being happy you aren’t getting laid, getting to do your own personal tantra by yourself and really feeling the universe through you and listening to music and taking the time to do that for yourself

i think one of the hardest parts of all of this is both looking for possibilities when you genuinely are feeling hopeless, and also finding joy in your own mind

remember no matter what is happening you are alive. and you are feeling emotions. and there is a mindset around really enjoying getting to feel those emotions, and getting off on it, and being excited

people generally have terrible words for this

“i like hearing people cum in new and exciting ways”

what a simple statement, and you may feel disgust at the shallowness of the speaker. why is this a priority for them?

but also somebody may say this from a site of pretty deep pain. pain and grappling and then realizing that this thing that could be super uncomfortable, or a site of resentment of jealousy, or just complete non-participation, actually could be another thing that they find fun

not at the cost of anything, but at the cost of, neutrality.

There is a kind of openness to sexuality that is a commitment to seeing, a commitment to non-neutrality. The thing is there. You can ignore what is hot about it, or enjoy what is hot about it. There are universes where enjoying what is hot about it, is the weird thing to be doing. And universes where ignoring what is hot about it, is the weird thing to be doing. What ends up being “weird” is if you have twisty knots in your own self.

This also means that hearing other people talk about things like hotness can be kind of disturbing. Often people mean a much more shallow thing, than an actually much more heated thing, but because “hot” can mean something very intense, it can get confusing. But most people find many things “hot” in a day and then completely forget about it.