Book Day 30 - Last assorted notes!
This is a book for advanced practitioners — Are you ready?
Why Someone Liking You Isn’t a Problem to Solve
Extended intimacy: somebody liking you too much shouldn’t be a reason not to be friends with them
Local Boundaries Are Not Global Boundaries
Agreeing to Do vs Agreeing to Try
Reasons people are bad at poly list
Bad at moving towards a shared state
You do not have to be poly the same way to be poly together
Parameters that increase or decrease difficulty
What you, the advanced practitioner, may find overwhelming
Matching definitions game
Ways to set boundaries: types, acts, people, consequences
How you got here vs why you stay
The discomfort of unexpectedly small things
Talking in detail about your feelings as bonding or foreplay
When Words Fail
Avoid 0 or 100 thinking; a no or a boundary is not a betrayal of the spirit
The hierarchy of boundaries
The win conditions here are that more people get more out of what they want
Survival strategies as context for boundaries
Gendered permission to say no
Poly and sex work / livelihood
Wanting something vs wanting to want it
Agreeing to the process vs agreeing to an outcome
Failing safely vs failing unsafely
Practicing safe words in non‑sexual contexts
Lack of social support as a skill bottleneck
Exes, sacred secrecy, privacy, bad secrecy
Over‑negotiation as anxiety management
Testing partners vs onboarding them
Understanding conflict aversion in heated moments
Sex vs being in a sexual space
Rules vs norms vs one‑off agreements
Containers vs general permissions
So you messed up
Jealousy as stupid vs jealousy as information
Testing compatibility vs coercion
Protecting the sacred when the sacred is different for each person
Teaching newbies how to set limits far from boundaries
Troubleshooting in the moment
Being gentle with deficit, scarcity, and imperfection
Noticing other people’s different ways of trying to be good
Acknowledging how other people’s trauma affects how they perceive
Agreeing to look for yeses
Maybe means no as mercy, not punishment
Boundaries versus valid trade‑offs
I can’t (boundary) and I can, but it will cost me X (trade‑off)
Learning to hear a no without making it about you
What gets in the way of effective communication?
How to use this book as a ritual
Win conditions for conversations
Desires towards and desires away exercise (draw a line with 2 arrows)
Poly as positive desire vs hedge
Using your partner as someone to process crushes with, not hide them from
How to handle pace mismatches in finding new intimacies
Rookie Mistakes:
Poly Mistake #1: Making Your Partner Feel Not Okay If They Don’t Go Along
Poly Mistake #2: Letting Being Poly Become Your Relationship’s Whole Identity
Poly Mistake #3: Expecting Tit‑for‑Tat Agreements
Poly Mistake #4: Assuming It’ll Be Easy If It’s Right
Poly Mistake #5: Bad at negotiation → signs you’re doing adversarial bargaining vs collaborative design
Poly Mistake #6: Treating Maybe as Anything Other Than No for Now
Poly Mistake #7: Treating Local Boundaries Like Global Truths
Poly Mistake #8: Talking Only About Poly Values and Forgetting to Reassure Around Monogamy Values
Poly Mistake #9: Over‑Testing Newbies Instead of Onboarding Them Gently
Poly Mistake #10: Hearing No as a Verdict on You Instead of Information About Them
Poly Mistake #11: Confusing Safety Concerns with Being Controlling
Poly Mistake #12: Never Mapping Power Dynamics Before You Add Complexity
Poly Mistake #13: Talking About Everyone Else’s Specialness and Forgetting Your Partner’s
Poly Mistake #14: Refusing to Set the Boundary Further In Than the Agreement