A Summary of Ideas in My Book, Recalled from Ecstatic Memory, in a Few Paragraphs
An experiment in structure
this is meant to be an exercise both in structure, and in ecstatic writing, but perhaps it would be interesting to some of my readers also
it is an attempt at “looking backwards” in my writing, while still maintaining the momentum and spirit of recording here every aspect of my working on my book. and so the “experiences” i have i do have to write here
this is an automatic writing. i just want to have fun thinking about my book a little bit.
somebody asked me yesterday which of my posts he should read, and i realized how little “looking backwards” I have done over the past 90 days.
The necessity of triangulation
A triangle is a very sturdy shape. I believe that the relationships that succeed have something about them that serves as a meta-check on things that may be going wrong in the relationship. Either a belief in god, a belief in certain kinds of standards of what is “good,” a commitment to keep the romance alive, a commitment to being the sort of couple that has and raises many children, a commitment to maintaining each other’s authenticity or individuality or career, a commitment to reading books or seeking coaches or therapy for self-improvement, a commitment to keeping the sex good, family who know you and your partner and spend time with you, friends who are invested in you and hang out…
Hopefully there are several. You won’t be able to figure out exactly how the third thing affects you, or how it is supposed to. You can calculate the gravitational pulls, on each other, of two objects, but not three. It gets too complicated. This is known as the three body problem. You want the third things as a “check” on whatever you are doing inside your relationship, because relationships tend to get very intense, and often you need something “outside of the system” to solve problems.
In some ways this is “getting a new perspective” but in other ways it is something deeper as well — it is accepting the limitations of your own perspective which prompts the seeking of another. This acceptance, that you might be wrong about if you are doing what is needed for your relationship to be steady and happy, or for yourself to be steady and happy, and seeking other things in the world to shed light on problems you have, is a cornerstone of keeping relationships functional. Sometimes, inside of a relationship, certain things get confused or pent up in such a way that you need to find something you can use to chip away at it.
The book is meant to be an object like this. It is meant to be a third thing that you can tinker with, as you navigate your relationships. That is why I am motivated to create this book as an object.
You are already doing things
You are already filling the 24 hours in your day. Whether you are filling these hours in a way that you like is another question. But you are already doing things. You can change what you are doing. Often there will be a pain, as your total system is unbalanced, and you often need something to help metabolize that pain. Maybe a friend who is also making that change, so you can support each other. Maybe more or different food. Maybe a new journaling practice. Maybe it’s drugs. People generally need something to metabolize the pain of change to get a change to stick.
But you can think about what you are already doing, take an inventory of it, and see which things you want to be better. Perhaps you already watch movies at night and want them to be better movies. Perhaps you already read books and want them to be better books. Maybe you already cook dinner every night, but want to get more enjoyment and fulfillment from the cooking, rather than leaving it on autopilot. Perhaps you are having conversations with your partner, but do not feel like you are learning anything new about them.
I am motivated to share this book with people because perhaps people want to be doing things differently, and know they want this, but are not sure how to think about it and would like some kind of a guide. They do not want to change every single part of their life, but want some more clarity about what they are doing, or want some things rearranged. Perhaps they might want more “colors of existence” to be present for them, and want to feel more alive.
Being happy involves practicing being happy
Being happy involves “doing things that make you happy or lead to happiness” and “occupying states of being that make you happy or lead to happiness.” Sometimes people are not sure how to create those states, for themselves and others, or have a lot of unconscious assumptions about how those states get created. A person may think that the payoffs from a bet will “pay off” soon enough, or believe that they are supposed to suffer as part of a long-game, without looking at the mechanics of how happiness can work for them. If they have a partner, they may assume their partner will attain happiness via plans they have for them, that may be not suitable to their partner at all.
This is why I am motivated to write the content of the book. People do not often talk about the “mechanics of happiness.” They talk about it in a spiritual sense, but then people aren’t always sure how to apply it to their own lives, especially if they have things that have been making them happy before, such as their job, or a hobby, or a friendship, or a relationship, that now perhaps is not making them feel as happy in the “pure” sense of the word, even though they value the thing through gratitude and loyalty. Feeling “stuck” with something you really wanted can be a source of pain, not happiness, even though there was previous happiness.
I am motivated to write content about integrating actions you can take, with commitments to certain colors of feelings being more available in your life. Integrating the spiritual with daily practice, in the things you are already doing, rather than for example, adding a 20 minute meditation every day as the only new thing you are doing.
People already have wisdom, and have already filled their days wisely with what they want. I want my book to show them how to add more glitter to their lives, and perhaps make some rearrangements, but there is no starting assumption that people who pick up the book are broken or that everything in their life is bad.
You can practice being happy by gaining legibility of yourself, your loved ones, and your surroundings. You can practice new skills by setting up a dojo.
If you gain deeper knowledge of yourself, you can feel new feelings. You can notice when you are feeling feelings you’d rather not feel, and feel something else instead.
If you gain legibility of your loved ones, you can coordinate on more complicated tasks. You can share more vulnerabilities, and therefore more hopes and fantasies, and then coordinate to make those hopes and fantasies real experiences you share together.
If you gain deeper knowledge of your surroundings, you can notice more things in the world to love. You can find more options for sharing the world with your loved ones, or experiences of the world with your loved ones.
But there are barriers to this legibility. However, it is not hopeless, because you can set up dojos for specific things you may want to experience
Which kinds of things are worth setting up dojos for, and how to set them up, is the bulk of the book.